#FriendshipFail #RedBlueBuddies #PoliticalFrenemies #AwkwardDinners #UnityOrBust
By: TheJestPress.com
**Cross-Party Friendships Rare in U.S., Says Study; Experts Recommend Cardboard Cutouts Instead**
A new study confirms what Thanksgiving dinners and unfriended Facebook relatives have been hinting at for years: Cross-party friendships in the United States are about as rare as bipartisan legislation. The study, conducted by the Institute for Uncomfortable Social Dynamics, found that while some brave souls do form friendships across the political aisle, these relationships often come with a fascinating trade-off: They are slightly lower in quality but provide a small, invaluable side effect—slightly more positive attitudes toward The Other Side.
Researchers spent months analyzing American social groups and eating countless “unity” cupcakes. Their conclusion: Of the nation’s estimated 325 million residents, nearly fourteen people reported having an actual friend who disagrees with them politically. Of those fourteen, twelve confided that the friendship mainly consists of carefully avoiding all news, elections, and opinions about literally anything.
“I love my friend Linda,” said Dave McConnell, a Democrat from Iowa. “But we mostly just talk about the weather and animals dressed like people. She gets this twitch whenever someone says ‘Congress.’”
Despite the slightly lower friendship quality, the study found a tiny boost in cross-political understanding. “Just last week my Republican pal Dave nodded silently as I explained universal healthcare. He then handed me a potato salad recipe and we called it a day,” said Linda.
Experts recommend that if you do wish to form a cross-party friendship, invest in a sturdy friendship helmet and learn how to smile through gritted teeth. “Or better yet,” said lead researcher Emma Feely, “just purchase a cardboard cutout of an opposing voter. They’re low maintenance and only occasionally give you that patronizing look.”
At press time, bipartisan friend groups were reportedly thriving in Canada, where the hottest argument is whether to put ketchup on their fries.
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