#RFKJr #WokeCancerPanel #SatireNews #HealthReform #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**RFK Jr. Vows to Oust Woke Advisory Panel, Demands Cancer Screenings Be Unbiased, Preferably by Psychic**
In a groundbreaking move that promises to reshape America’s approach to preventive health, presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced plans to oust the “woke” advisory panel currently overseeing the nation’s cancer screenings. “I want unbiased health advice,” Kennedy declared, “not a quiz on my pronouns between mammograms.”
The advisory panel—officially the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, unofficially the Bureau of Bleeding Heart Bureaucrats—recently infuriated the candidate by mentioning the words “equity,” “access,” and (barely audibly) “science” in the same sentence. “They told me men don’t need pap smears every year. That sounds anti-male to me,” Kennedy lamented at a recent rally, as supporters eating gluten-free kale chips chanted, “Down with empathy!”
Kennedy’s vision for the panel’s replacement is bold. Multiple sources confirm he is considering an oversight group made up entirely of Joe Rogan podcast guests, several Instagram wellness influencers, and at least one licensed chiropractor who swears by oregano oil.
Gone will be “woke” recommendations on screenings aimed at “historically marginalized communities.” RFK Jr. insists, “Cancer should not care about your gender, your race, or whether you put oat or almond milk in your coffee. That’s called equality—and if cancer can’t be colorblind, neither should our health policies!”
Under his plan, new cancer guidelines could include exciting updates, such as “Monthly DIY Astrology-Based Cancer Screenings,” “Alternative Medicine Mondays,” and a complimentary anti-wokeness pamphlet with every colonoscopy.
Critics warn that removing experts from cancer screening policies might be a bad idea, but Kennedy remains undeterred. “If health policies aren’t triggering at least three Twitter threads an hour, are they even policies at all?”
Americans eager for unbiased, un-woke cancer advice had just one pressing question: “Will there still be free stickers?”
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