#Satire #SyriaElections #Democracy2024 #VoteForFalafel #JestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
DAMASCUS – In an event being heralded by many as “the world’s best-kept secret,” Syria is set to hold its first parliamentary elections since Bashar al-Assad’s abrupt and totally plausible fall from power. The elections, scheduled for September 2024, come as a surprise to 90% of Syrians, 87% of international observers, and 3 out of 4 UN resolution drafters.
After decades of world-class autocracy, the Syrian government has bravely decided to hold “open, free, and mostly unfixed elections.” According to organizers, these elections will feature candidates from “at least two” different parties, poetry contests disguised as debates, and complimentary canapés suspiciously shaped like secret police badges.
The top political parties are already rolling out their campaigns. TheRevolutionaryPartOfTheOldParty (RPOTP) is promising affordable hummus for all. The Democratic Front of Nominal Change (DFNC), on the other hand, unveiled its 37-point platform, mostly focusing on air conditioning and the legalization of irony.
While the ballot is currently limited to people whose names are not “Assad,” authorities assure voters there are “other, nearly as charismatic names” to choose from. Some favorites: Maher NotThatAssad and Bashir It’sJustACommonNameICanProveIt.
Western leaders have enthusiastically endorsed the process, offering to send observers who have never left the Paris Hilton and believe Damascus is a trending TikTok challenge. The US State Department issued a statement praising the “brave experiment in democracy” and congratulated Syria on “finally finding that lost ballot box from 1963.”
Polls open September 6th, but sources say real change can be expected “sometime after the invention of the time machine.” In the meantime, local shopkeeper Fadi al-Kebab says he looks forward to “finally voting for someone who only slightly terrifies me,” a major democratic upgrade.
By: TheJestPress.com
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