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By: TheJestPress.com
**”Several Killed in German Train Crash; Locals Shocked to Learn German Trains Can Derail”**
In a stunning revelation that has shattered both rails and national pride, several were reportedly killed in a train crash in Germany this weekend—a fact that has left Germans, and their legendary punctuality, reeling in disbelief.
Media outlets, citing security sources who spoke only on the condition of anonymity (and who may or may not be trainspotters with binoculars), report that the crash was “completely unexpected,” given that the last time a German train was late, the conductor issued a handwritten apology to each passenger and spent a night in solitary.
Authorities arrived swiftly at the scene, noting that the only thing Germans expected less than a train crash was discovering that Bayern Munich can, in fact, lose the Bundesliga. “We test for every scenario—floods, snow, existential dread about the meaning of efficiency—but never this,” lamented Hans Überarbeitung, spokesperson for Deutsche Bahn.
In the aftermath, Deutsche Bahn promised a full investigation. “We are committed to understanding how this could happen. Was it a scheduling error? A rogue bratwurst? Perhaps a VW Beetle left on the tracks?” speculated lead investigator, Greta Hauptstrecke, between sips of her perfectly-timed coffee.
In a show of unity, shocked citizens have formed tiny, orderly queues across the country. Supplies of pretzels and beer are being rationed. German train enthusiast forums have become hotbeds of speculation, with some claiming the crash may have been orchestrated by jealous Swiss rail operators.
Meanwhile, Deutsche Bahn has reassured travelers that all other trains will continue to run precisely on time—unless they, too, suddenly develop a un-German sense of adventure.
Germany: where even chaos reschedules itself to fit the timetable.
By: TheJestPress.com
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