#SciFiWiFi #CosmosBlocked #BlackHoleBlues #WhereAreWe #SignalLost
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking turn for humanity’s existential navigation, top cosmologists have revealed that our exact location in the universe is now a mystery—because phones, WiFi, and that guy streaming reruns in HD are completely blocking our view of black holes.
“For decades, we’ve relied on black holes as cosmic GPS,” explained Dr. Nell DeGrasstime, lead astronomer of Project: WhereAreWeEven. “But now, every time we point a telescope at Sagittarius A*, we pick up nothing but TikTok dance tutorials and someone’s Bluetooth speaker pairing request.”
According to these baffled scientists, black holes have long been the universe’s answer to “You Are Here” on the galactic mall map. But thanks to the growing electromagnetic smog produced by Earth’s obsession with connectivity, the view is murkier than ever.
“It started with satellites,” said Dr. DeGrasstime, rubbing her temples. “Then came smartphones, 5G, and that hacked WiFi router your neighbor uses to stream pirated movies. Our observatories are now basically stuck buffering.”
Speculation is rife over what this means for humanity. Without knowing our exact place in the universe, even Google Maps has started to panic. Reports indicate that users briefly found themselves routed through wormholes—or at least through Nebraska—when searching for the nearest coffee shop.
“It’s chaos,” lamented intern and amateur stargazer Bailey K. “One minute you’re calibrating the scope, the next, it’s auto-connecting to Starbucks_Guest.”
To fix the galactic signal interference, scientists propose Society collectively hits “Airplane Mode” for 24 hours. Critics worry this would result in mass confusion, loss of all productivity, and the inability to check if that date really is, in fact, ‘just five minutes away.’
For now, astronomers have downgraded our cosmic address to “somewhere, probably” and requested neighbors please secure their WiFi passwords.
By: TheJestPress.com
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