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By: TheJestPress.com
In an unprecedented display of “go big or go home” logic, local suspect Gary Tindle reportedly told police he “already knew he was going to jail,” so he figured, “Why not double down?” after being apprehended for the murder of his unfaithful wife. Authorities now believe Tindle holds the record for the only person to treat felony charges like a late-night snack run—“If I’m already out, I might as well grab something extra.”
According to police, after being taken into custody for his wife’s murder, Tindle confessed to the second crime with both pride and a certain “Coupon Day at Arby’s” enthusiasm. “Honestly, I just didn’t want it to be a wasted trip,” Tindle explained, presumably while asking officers if there were two-for-one deals on jail time. “If you’re already getting life, why not get two for the price of one? That’s basic economics.”
“You could tell he’d really committed to the bit,” said Officer Samantha Woods. “Most guys show remorse. This one started pitching us on ‘Crime: The Sequel.’ He said he hopes Netflix asks about a limited series.”
Local law professors are now scrambling to update their curriculum with The Tindle Principle: When you’ve already boarded the Express to Prisonville, it’s apparently customary to make a few extra stops. “It’s bold,” said Professor Lisa Johnston. “Also deeply, deeply stupid.”
In a highly anticipated move, Tindle’s defense attorney is considering an insanity plea, or at least arguing “double jeopardy points” for gaming the system so hard. Meanwhile, the suspect has reportedly been boasting to fellow inmates that he’s “just getting started” and asking, “Anyone else got unfinished business they want to delegate?”
At press time, police were reminding the public not to take up hobbies based solely on already being committed to something, citing both legal and spiritual drawbacks.
By: TheJestPress.com
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