#BreakingNews #FrontierFiasco #FlyTheUnfriendlySkies #TSAarentJoking #HomelandSecurityHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
**Bomb Threat on Frontier Flight at DIA Under Investigation by FBI — Unattended Bag Full of Trail Mix Only Threatened Passengers’ Diets**
Passengers hoping to take off on Frontier Airlines Flight 1142 at Denver International Airport found themselves grounded Wednesday, as what authorities are calling “the most excitement DIA has had since they added that horrifying horse statue” unfolded on the tarmac.
According to early reports, the supposed bomb threat began when a passenger in seat 19B spotted an unattended bag in the overhead bin—a rare sight on Frontier, where bringing any bag larger than a Tic Tac container now costs $79.95 extra.
“People were concerned,” said FBI spokesperson Jane Alarming. “Some were terrified, others just angry about missing their $7 can of Diet Coke.” Frontier crew responded swiftly, following protocol by repeatedly announcing that “Frontier is a low-cost airline and cannot afford terrorism insurance,” and then asking, “Can the owner of this bag please claim it before Homeland Security does?”
After a tense hour and a threatening announcement that “anyone who yawns at the TSA agent will be added to a no-fly list,” a bomb squad robot bravely approached the suspicious carry-on. Flights were delayed, baggage claim was temporarily renamed “Bombgæge Claim,” and a rogue support peacock attempted to take control of the intercom.
Ultimately, the bag contained only an artisanal trail mix, three copies of *SkyMall* magazine, and a hastily packed Colorado souvenir T-shirt reading “I Survived the DIA Baggage Carousel.” The FBI thanked passengers for their patience, then quietly collected the trial mix, mumbling something about “evidence” and “snack break.”
Frontier Airlines, always seeking positive PR, immediately announced that all affected passengers would receive a $5 Frontier credit. Just don’t try to redeem it for snacks, a seat, or peace of mind.
By: TheJestPress.com
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