#PlannedParenthood #SatireNews #JudgeBlocks #TrumpAdministration #FakeNews
By: TheJestPress.com
A federal judge has thrown a legal wrench at the Trump administration’s latest attempt to defund Planned Parenthood, presumably after realizing that “defunding” means taking away the funds. In Monday’s landmark ruling, Judge Marsha “Give-‘Em-Hell” Henderson declared, “You can’t just pull funding from organizations because you don’t like them. If that were the standard, I’d cut all funding to reality TV and mayonnaise commercials.”
The Trump administration, never a fan of subtlety or contraception, had hoped to redirect Planned Parenthood’s funds into their new “Abstinence and Thoughts & Prayers Initiative,” a cutting-edge program where participants pray really hard nothing ever happens. Despite its noble intentions, the initiative failed its pilot run after teenagers realized they could text each other anyway.
In the courtroom, administration lawyers attempted to argue their case by referencing a little-known constitutional article called “Article MAGA Section YOLO.” Unfortunately, Judge Henderson could not locate that in her annotated copy of the Constitution, though she did find three ketchup stains and a doodle of the Statue of Liberty frowning.
Planned Parenthood supporters, meanwhile, celebrated outside the courthouse, waving banners reading, “Our Uteruses, Our Choices—And Also Our Free Pens!” Spokeswoman Tina P. Response said, “We’re grateful we can continue providing essential services. Otherwise, we’d have to teach sex-ed using only interpretive dance and shadow puppetry.”
Unfazed, White House officials vowed to continue their crusade, suggesting alternative funding strategies for women’s health, such as selling Presidential NFTs or holding a nationwide bake sale, but only baking things shaped like historic American landmarks.
As for Planned Parenthood, they’re keeping their doors open and their sense of humor intact. “We’re staying put,” said Response. “And if necessary, we’ll start accepting payment in presidential hair samples, because at this point, nothing surprises us.”
Stay tuned as this saga continues—just don’t expect your thoughts and prayers to cover your next gynecological exam.
By: TheJestPress.com
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