#VaticanNews #HolyMurderMystery #UnholyOrders #PolishPriestProblems #DefrockAndRoll
By: TheJestPress.com
In a surprising turn of ecclesiastical events, the Archbishop of Warsaw has asked the Vatican to fast-track the defrocking of a Polish priest who allegedly took “Father, forgive me” to a deadly new level—by being charged with the killing of a homeless man. Sources say the Archbishop’s request included not only a formal letter but also a strongly-worded Post-It note reading, “Seriously, guys?”
The priest in question had long been known for his fiery sermons, though parishioners now admit they “probably should have worried when he started quoting Agatha Christie more than the Gospel.” When news of the murder charge broke, local nuns reportedly updated the confessional, adding “homicide” to the list of recommended topics.
While the Vatican has not commented publicly, experts say this could be the most high-profile clerical defrocking since that time Father Ignatius tried to baptize people using holy vodka during Poland’s National Hangover Day.
Faithful churchgoers are confused by the expedited process, given that it usually takes the Vatican 30 years and 14 miracles to determine which way the wind blows, let alone mete out justice. “It’s impressive,” said one local. “They can turn wine into blood, but can they turn a murder suspect into an ex-priest that fast?”
Some say the Church is just trying to keep up with our fast-moving world. “If Uber can deliver me pierogi in ten minutes,” a Warsaw theologian remarked, “why can’t the Vatican defrock a priest in under a decade?”
Meanwhile, the homeless man sadly remains church-less, but the archbishop assures everyone that at least one priest will soon be jobless. Warsaw parishioners are now asking the Vatican to speed up the canonization process for Saint Swift Justice.
By: TheJestPress.com
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