#Satire #ScienceNews #FinancialRisks #PovertyProblems #ReplicateThis
By: TheJestPress.com
**New Study Finds People Raised in Poverty Just as Terrible at Roulette as Everyone Else**
Remember that old psychology study claiming childhood poverty turned you into a financial daredevil, bravely betting your life savings on avocado NFTs and gas station scratch-offs? Yeah, about that… New research says, “Hold your horses and your crypto wallet.” Apparently, growing up with moldy bread sandwiches doesn’t make you more likely to YOLO your paycheck in Vegas—at least, not more than the average person who thinks “early retirement” means dipping into your lunch money.
Researchers bravely attempted to replicate the legendary 2011 study that basically built the entire ‘MTV Cribs: Rags to Riches’ genre, but found only “limited” support for its claims. In science-speak, “limited support” means “It worked once, but now we’re pretty sure it was just luck, like when my uncle won $10 on his fifth bottle deposit.”
“We found people who grew up poor take financial risks,” said lead scientist Dr. Mindy Plausible. “But only about the same way anyone else risks buying off-brand cereal and hoping it actually tastes like Lucky Charms.”
Test participants—ranging from folks who grew up eating government cheese to those whose worst childhood trauma was a weak Wi-Fi signal—were asked to make fake high-stakes decisions, like ‘invest in a mysterious tech startup’ or ‘let Uncle Ron borrow your car.’ Turns out, everyone agreed these were bad ideas, regardless of their income growing up.
Researchers are now investigating faster ways to make psychology majors regret their degree choices, and Wall Street has already updated their hiring criteria from “grew up tough” to “watches Wolf of Wall Street without cringing.”
So, the next time someone claims they’re a risk-taker because they once bought expired milk, ask them if they want to invest in your record collection of Beanie Babies. Science says they’ll pass.
By: TheJestPress.com
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