#TrumpDiplomacy #RussianMarkets #PeaceDealPanic #SatireNews #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking move that has both economists and political analysts scrambling for their calculators, Russian stock markets nosedived by $1.4 billion Wednesday after former US President Donald Trump unexpectedly declared he was moving up his own, completely unofficial Ukraine peace deal deadline.
Vladimir Putin was reportedly mid-table-tennis match when his advisor burst in, breathlessly exclaiming, “Comrade, Trump has tweeted a new deadline!” Putin promptly lost the match and, more devastatingly, $432 million in personal oil shares. “It’s a tragedy. I only get updates from Trump’s Truth Social,” Putin lamented, wiping away tears with a $100 bill.
Russian investors were left bewildered as they tried to ascertain how Trump—currently an unaffiliated American citizen who sells NFTs featuring himself as Superman—managed to dictate Eastern European geopolitics. The Russian Ruble’s value now hovers somewhere between a Canadian penny and a Chuck E. Cheese token.
“Trump has set Thursday at noon for peace. No one knows what time zone, but everyone’s panicking,” explained Moscow stockbroker Andrei Chuvashov while refreshing Fox News and TikTok simultaneously for clues. “I just want to know if I should sell my rubles or buy a MAGA hat.”
Kremlin spokespersons tried calming the markets, reminding the public that Trump’s plan was, quote, “probably just a joke, like his hair.” However, this only made things worse when rumors spread that Russian oligarchs were forced to “pledge allegiance” by purchasing limited-edition ‘Peace Deal’ bobbleheads—now being scalped on eBay for $20 (plus free borscht).
Experts say that if Trump announces another arbitrary deadline, Russia’s economy could become “the world’s hottest destination for competitive limbo dancing: how low can it go?!”
Meanwhile, Trump himself celebrated the news. “Nobody moves deadlines like me—ask Putin, he’s trembling!” he posted, attaching an unrelated photo of himself giving a thumbs-up beside a globe.
Only time, and possibly Trump’s next NFT drop, will tell what happens next.
By: TheJestPress.com
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