#RareEarthRumble #ArtOfTheREEDeal #MyanmarMinerals #TrumpOnTheTrail #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Trump’s Team Hears Pitches on Myanmar’s Rare Earths, Wonders If They’re Actually That Rare**
Breaking: Donald Trump’s “very, very special” team has swooped into action this week, reportedly reviewing PowerPoint presentations (and one interpretive dance) on gaining access to Myanmar’s famous rare earth minerals. “I hear these things are called rare earths. I like rare things—like my humility, some say,” President Trump told reporters, sipping covfefe from a solid gold mug.
Advisors close to the former president confirmed the pitches ranged from “a detailed five-year acquisition plan” to “a guy from New Jersey who’s pretty sure he knows a guy in Yangon.” Another pitch simply read: “Block China, get rich, MAGA hats for everyone.”
Sources say Trump personally favored the plan that suggested rebranding the rare earths as “Trumpium” and launching a new line of Make America Glitter Again hats powered by Myanmar magnetite. “We could be the best at magnets,” he reportedly declared. “Other presidents, weak magnets. Trump magnets—beautiful, strong, scientifically tremendous.”
The team also considered whether the phrase “rare earth” was potentially fake news, prompting a late-night tweetstorm: “Hearing ‘rare earths’ maybe not so rare. Very unfair to regular earth. Will investigate. SAD!”
Critics noted the ethical complexity of forging deals with Myanmar, a country that occasionally appears on State Department “Try Again Later” lists. But a spokesperson countered, “This is just good, old-fashioned deal-making. Plus, President Trump is offering to build Myanmar a golf course in every mine shaft.”
When asked about environmental concerns, the team clarified: “We’ll put filters on the cameras. Very green.”
The administration said final decisions would be made after a meeting with Elon Musk, a Magic 8-Ball, and whoever brings the yummiest rare earth-themed cupcakes.
By: TheJestPress.com
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