#AlabamaJustice #SatireNews #PrisonReform #Headlines #DarkHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
**Five Alabama Jail Medical Staff Indicted—Turns Out “Do No Harm” Has Fine Print**
In a story shocking absolutely no one familiar with Alabama’s approach to healthcare or prison reform, five medical staff members at an Alabama jail have been indicted after the death of a mentally ill inmate—proving that, in Alabama, both justice and basic healthcare are equally at risk of dying of neglect.
The indicted staff issued a collective statement: “We always thought the Hippocratic Oath said ‘Hypocritical Oath.’ Our sincerest apologies for the confusion.” The defense further argued that their real passion is playing doctor on TV, not in jail. “I was just here for the group health insurance and the free snacks,” said ‘Doctor’ Phil (not *that* Dr. Phil), who discovered that stethoscopes are not microwave safe.
Further records reveal the only medical training required for the job was the ability to pronounce “aspirin” and a 2:30pm slot for a Zoom seminar titled “How to Google Symptoms.” The sheriff emphasized, “We run a tight ship. When we say ‘last rites’ we mean on schedule, no overtime.”
Jail medical staff were often seen practicing the ancient and proven “ignore it and hope for the best” method, now nominated for the Nobel Prize in Wishful Thinking.
When reached for comment, the jail’s warden assured the public, “We’re investigating these claims thoroughly, right after this important game of Solitaire.”
Alabama lawmakers were quick to jump into action, debating whether to replace all jail staff with WebMD, which, according to internal reports, “at least pretends to care.” The legislative solution? Replacing the jail’s medical policies with “thoughts and prayers”—cheaper, and less paperwork.
Meanwhile, Alabama jails have announced sweeping new reforms: All medical exams will now include a high-five and a coupon for a free tetanus shot (upon release, terms and conditions apply).
By: TheJestPress.com
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