#Satire #NYCNews #EpicFail #CrimeGoneWrong #OnlyInNewYork
By: TheJestPress.com
**Gunman Accidentally Takes Wrong Elevator, Massacres Future IT Department Instead of NEL Offices**
In a plot twist worthy of a low-budget streaming series, a would-be criminal mastermind attempted to strike fear into the heart of New York City—only to be outsmarted by the world’s oldest nemesis: the elevator directory.
According to NYPD officials, the unnamed gunman intended to storm the notorious “NEL” offices on the 21st floor of the Rainstorm Tower Tuesday afternoon. However, witnesses say the perpetrator appeared “confused and slightly embarrassed” when the elevator doors softly pinged open on the 19th floor instead.
Apparently trusting his Google Maps app over carefully reading the “You Are Here” sign, the criminal walked into the offices of “Future IT Solutions & Desktop Support, LLC,” marked by a life-size cardboard cutout of Windows 95’s Clippy. Within minutes, chaos ensued. Tragically, four tech employees were lost in the carnage—ironically, all were reportedly working unpaid overtime to strengthen company cyber security.
To the gunman’s great disappointment (as noted in his quickly scribbled antisocial media post), his intended targets at NEL had just left for their daily oat milk latte run. “We heard alarms going off but figured it was just Janice’s pod-based cappuccino malfunctioning again,” said Derrick, NEL’s HR director.
After realizing the fatal blunder, the gunman attempted to blend in with a group of software developers discussing whether AI would steal their jobs or just their parking spots. He was found moments later dejectedly troubleshooting a jammed printer while quietly sobbing.
In a city known for its relentless ambition and even more relentless malfunctioning elevators, New York officials are urging all would-be criminals: “Please, take the stairs.”
As for Future IT Solutions, sources say morale was never strong, but now it’s officially “404 Not Found.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment