#NFLMixUp #ElevatorFail #SatireNews #NYCStories #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In what can only be described as the most poorly executed “mission” since the Jets’ last playoff appearance, Mayor Eric Adams announced today that the gunman responsible for the tragic shooting at a Manhattan building was actually targeting NFL offices—but fate, and a spectacular lack of elevator etiquette, intervened.
Sources say the would-be assailant, who had spent weeks plotting an elaborate scheme against Roger Goodell’s lair (also known as Conference Room B), was thwarted not by security, but by an elevator panel. According to police reports, he pressed “14” instead of “NFL,” only to realize too late that no one has yet developed that technology, or more importantly, put the NFL logo on the elevator buttons.
“When asked why he simply didn’t take the stairs, the gunman replied, ‘Have you seen those? I’m not trying to catch my breath before a massacre, I’m here to make a statement. Also, my Fitbit’s busted,’” said Mayor Adams at a press conference held on the correct floor.
The mayor went on to issue a citywide reminder about the dangers posed by outdated elevator labeling systems, pointing out that “buildings that still label floors by numbers instead of corporate sponsors are basically asking for this kind of confusion.” He further announced a $5 million initiative to install logos for every major corporation in every high-rise elevator, “just in case the Starbucks shooter ends up on the Pret a Manger level.”
Despite the tragic event, top NFL executives took to social media to thank their “security MVP: the elevator.” The New York Giants also issued a statement, clarifying, “We’d like to remind visitors not to confuse us with the NFL front office; ours is the suite with the crying fans.”
No word yet on whether the gunman’s next plan will involve Google Maps, but TheJestPress.com will keep you posted.
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