#EternalMariah #AgelessIcon #ImmortalDiva #AllICareForIsYouth #NotEvenTime
By: TheJestPress.com
In a groundbreaking development that’s shaking both the music and metaphysical worlds, Mariah Carey, holiday queen and chronic whistle-note achiever, has declared that ageing simply “doesn’t happen” to her—leaving scientists, dermatologists, and Father Time himself reportedly “very confused.”
The announcement came during Carey’s recent interview with the magazine *Youthful Illusions Weekly*, where she coyly explained, “I just decided, like, no. Ageing? Not for me, darling. Next question.” Carey went on to claim she hasn’t aged a day since her 1994 “All I Want for Christmas Is You” video premiered—unless, she clarified, “you count the time I accidentally watched a documentary on taxes, in which case I aged 20 years in an hour.”
Eyewitnesses report that Carey’s home features “a suspiciously large, locked closet with ominous humming noises,” leading some to speculate she possesses either a magical portrait, a time machine, or a refrigerator full of holiday spirit. Our sources—consisting mainly of Carey’s backup dancers—swear she responds to ‘Happy Birthday’ with a steely glare and a quick rendition of ‘Fantasy’ to reset the mood.
The phenomenon has not gone unnoticed in higher circles. The International Ageing Council convened an emergency meeting, with one member stating, “If Mariah Carey can opt out, do we even need moisturizers anymore? Is skincare just a pyramid scheme?”
Meanwhile, the general public has greeted Carey’s revelation with a mix of awe and existential dread. Local man Chad Butterworth was reportedly found in the anti-aging aisle at CVS quietly whispering “I don’t believe in time either,” while chugging vitamin C serum.
Carey concluded her interview with her signature wink and a melodious warning: “Age is just a number, darling—but mine is unlisted.”
Stay tuned as we attempt to interview her next week, assuming she doesn’t revert to her natural form as a cloud of glitter and high notes.
By: TheJestPress.com
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