#Satire #MiddleEastNews #UnitedNations #CountingProblems #Tragicomedy
By: TheJestPress.com
**UN Announces New Math Degree: “Counting Casualties in Gaza”**
GENEVA – In a historic move blending international relations with remedial mathematics, the United Nations has unveiled its first ever advanced degree in “Statistical Counting For Never-Ending Conflicts,” inspired by the ever-climbing Palestinian death toll in Gaza, now officially measured at “somewhere north of 60,000, or roughly the number of people who say they read 19th-century Russian literature for fun.”
Program spokesperson Anne Calculator explained, “We realized that nothing prepared us for tracking figures that rise faster than popcorn in a microwave or COVID cases at a Margaritaville convention. This new degree aims to teach diplomats and journalists to count beyond what their fingers and toes allow.”
**Counting, It Turns Out, Is Hard**
When asked to comment, major news networks responded, “We just went from ‘thousands’ to ‘tens of thousands’ as needed. Frankly, it was getting embarrassing when we had to update our headline graphics daily. We had to start using Comic Sans because our usual fonts ran out of numbers.”
Indeed, officials worry the word “unprecedented” may require its own United Nations task force, as the global vocabulary for human catastrophe has officially run dry. “We’re running out of metaphors,” sighed literary analyst Dr. Pat Hyperbole. “At this rate, soon the only remaining comparison will be ‘as bad as whatever happened last week.’”
**Merchandising Opportunities Await**
Cashing in, several T-shirt vendors have launched an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Higher!” line. Profits go to the newly established ‘International Fund For Replacing Broken Calculators,’ who report that their devices keep spontaneously combusting every time the Gaza death toll is updated.
As the world debates the limits of human counting, one thing is clear: next year’s SAT math section will feature a word problem about Gaza casualties—just to keep up with contemporary education.
By: TheJestPress.com
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