#NFLBlameGame #GridironGrievances #NYHeadlines #SatireNews #NotJustConcussions
By: TheJestPress.com
**New York, NY** — In a plot twist worthy of daytime soap operas and ESPN’s “C’mon, Man!” segment, New York officials revealed yesterday that a local gunman left behind a handwritten note blaming the NFL for his recent actions, citing an “undiagnosed brain injury” picked up “somewhere between halftime snacks and a lifetime of disappointment as a Jets fan.”
Mayor Bill de Mayor—whose press conferences are winning awards for “most creative scapegoating”—confirmed the note, which reportedly read, “I would have pursued peace, but the two-minute warning music and years of Thursday Night Football took their toll.”
“We’re looking closely at whether his fantasy football league made any trades that could be considered criminally reckless,” said NYPD Spokesperson Sandy B. Fallback, “as well as investigating whether his lifelong attachment to the Giants may have compromised his judgment.”
Not to be outdone, spokespeople for the NFL quickly issued a statement: “While the league cannot comment on specific criminal cases, we remind everyone that the ‘NFL Experience’ is not currently listed as a side effect on any prescription medication, nor does it excuse criminal mischief, unless it involves Gatorade baths.”
Locals found themselves torn. “Look, I’ve sat through four hours of pregame analysis just to watch my team lose by 30. If that’s not psychological warfare, what is?” said Brooklyn resident Sam Touchdown. Others were less sympathetic: “If he wanted to blame concussions, at least blame middle school dodgeball, where the real head injuries happen,” argued Queens native Patty Pigskin.
While investigators continue to comb through fantasy league stats and bacon-wrapped jalapeño recipes, one thing is certain: whether you prefer touchdowns or turnovers, the NFL will continue taking the blame for things nobody really understands—including, but not limited to, brain injuries, broken remotes, and Thanksgiving family arguments.
By: TheJestPress.com
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