#InternationalRelations #OopsWrongTarget #SatireNews #JustWarThings #WayToGoRussia
By: TheJestPress.com
In another dazzling demonstration of its commitment to world peace, the Russian military has reportedly hit a Ukrainian prison with a missile strike—proving once and for all that when they say “no one is safe,” they really mean no one, not even convicted felons enjoying three hots and a cot.
Russian spokespeople were quick to clarify that the prison looked “suspiciously like a highly-trained battalion of tanks from… up in the air, during a sandstorm, while squinting.” Colonel Yuri Mishapskiy elaborated, “When you’re playing Missile Roulette, you don’t look at labels. Plus, we heard a rumor the warden had ‘sergeant’ in his past criminal record.”
The strike has proved controversial even among Russian state media, a first in recorded history. “Sure, we have to defend ourselves from whatever we imagine next,” said News Anchorgineer Oleg Insertovich, “but this was a bit much. At least send us some footage for the highlight reel.”
Meanwhile, the targeted prison’s inmates report experiencing “a wild break in the routine.” “Most days, I expect porridge and boredom,” said one prisoner. “Now, thanks to Russia, I’ve finally achieved my lifelong dream: a starring role in international news. My mom always said I’d go places.”
President Putin responded to the incident by announcing a new medal: The Order of Accidental Heroism, for “valiant service in locating objects the Russian army really shouldn’t have found—or aimed at.” Recipients will be chosen by lottery and/or failed GPS coordinates.
Ukrainian officials, for their part, thanked Russia for its unique approach to criminal justice reform, noting, “We were considering early release programs, but didn’t realize cruise missiles counted.”
At press time, Russia was reportedly studying Google Maps—upside down—to identify its next “high-value target,” rumored to be either a sunflower field or an ice cream parlor.
By: TheJestPress.com
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