#BreakingBrains #NeuroNews #PETPickle #AgingCuriously #TotallyNormalScience
By: TheJestPress.com
**Study Finds Tau PET Positivity May Depend on Everything Except Favorite Ice Cream Flavor**
In astonishing news from the world of brain scans and long, intimidating words, scientists have declared that Tau PET positivity in people depends on age, amyloid-β status, APOE genotype, and even—brace yourself—sex. That’s right: it’s official, literally everything matters except which socks you wore to the MRI.
A recent study published in the Journal of Unintelligible Jargon™ examined 32,000,000 data points—roughly equivalent to the number of times your brain thinks, “Did I leave the stove on?”—and found that individuals are more likely to test positive for tau PET if they are older, have amyloid-β, possess that elusive APOE gene, or belong to what scientists refer to as “the other sex.”
Lead researcher Dr. Mindy Graymatter explained, “It’s really quite simple: tau PET positivity is one big neurobiological raffle. If you don’t get it, just wait until you advance one age bracket, flip your genotype, or switch your amyloid status. We’re not saying you should, but consider it.”
When asked if environment had any effect, Dr. Graymatter replied, “Only if by environment you mean the inside of a PET scanner.”
Independent analysts described the findings as “not confusing at all” and “tremendously helpful for people who enjoy having no idea what’s causing anything.” One participant, Margaret, 76, said, “All I know is I have positive tau, negative vibes, and my cat’s breath smells like tuna. Does any of that matter?”
The World Federation of People Who Google Their Symptoms released a joint statement reading: “We will now commence spending the rest of our lives wondering if we should be worried about our tau status, our genes, our age, or that thing we just remembered we forgot.”
Neurologists recommend remaining calm, eating vegetables, and not changing sex or genotype just for PET scans—but not necessarily in that order.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment