#TinyTimeKeepers #FakeBiology #RoboRhythms #ArtificialIntelligence #ScienceSatire
By: TheJestPress.com
In what scientists are already calling “the best excuse for being late,” a team of researchers has announced the creation of miniature artificial cells that can, allegedly, *tell time*. These fake cellular timekeepers are being hailed as a breakthrough in the quest to finally develop an alarm clock that doesn’t ignore you with silent existential dread.
Researchers at the Institute of Overthinking Small Things claim these tiny artificial cells mimic the daily circadian rhythms found in real organisms—despite never having experienced the joy of hitting snooze for the sixth time or pulling an all-nighter to binge a new series.
“We programmed the cells to ‘wake up’ and ‘go to sleep’ just like actual lifeforms,” lead scientist Dr. Dee Z. Chronos said, looking wistfully at a Petri dish filled with gently pulsing blobs. “If they had tiny legs, I’m sure one would already be late for a Zoom call.”
According to the team, these punctual proto-cells cycle through their day with inhuman accuracy—a feat that’s sure to stress out the rest of us still using smartphone alarms or clinging to that 17-year-old kitchen timer that only rings for funerals now.
Tech companies are reportedly already plotting ways to harness this technology. Rumors swirl of upcoming ‘Cellular Chronos’ wristwatches. “Wear a vial of living artificial suspension fluid so you’ll *never* lose track of time,” the ads might read. Experts predict consumers will mostly use the product to justify why their salad is pulsing at lunch break.
Critics ask what happens if the cells develop artificial existential dread or unionize for a shorter circadian workweek. “That’s a risk we’re willing to take,” Dr. Chronos declared. “Science marches on—on time.”
Early reviews from the biological community have been mixed, with some bacteria protesting, “We’ve been doing this for billions of years and never got so much as a press release!”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment