#CrimeNews #Arkansas #Satire #DevilsDen #OnlyInAmerica
By: TheJestPress.com
**Arkansas State Police Arrest Suspected Bored Sasquatch in Devil’s Den Double Homicide**
DEVIL’S DEN STATE PARK, AR – The Arkansas State Police today announced the arrest of a suspect in the widely publicized double homicide at Devil’s Den State Park, sending a wave of relief—mixed with mild confusion—rippling through the forested hills. The suspect, reportedly a “bored Sasquatch with a questionable alibi,” is in custody awaiting trial after confessing under what police are calling “mild duress and the promise of recreational trail mix.”
“Our investigation led us deep into Devil’s Den, through treacherous terrain, tick-infested brush, and several campsites where people don’t know how to work a grill,” said Trooper Carl Hogg. “We finally caught our suspect trying to order a dozen bear claws at the local gas station. That’s what tipped us off—no real Arkansan would turn down a honey bun.”
According to police reports, the Sasquatch—also known locally as Darryl—claimed he was just out for an evening stroll when he stumbled upon the crime scene. “I was looking for lost frisbees and the meaning of life,” Darryl stated. “Next thing I know, I’m getting grilled harder than the burgers at Devil’s Den picnic area #3!”
Forensic teams recovered several large footprints, a torn-up canoe, and what scientists are calling “the world’s first mossy Oak-patterned fanny pack” at the scene. Locals say they’re shocked by the news, but mostly because they thought Devil’s Den homicides were something “reserved for Netflix documentaries, not real life in 2024.”
Park rangers are urging all visitors to refrain from feeding mysterious hair-covered creatures and to report any future crimes to authorities—not just the campers who shout, “Hey, y’all watch this!”
Legal experts predict the trial will be better attended than Squirrelfest and may require extra seating and pine-scented air freshener.
By: TheJestPress.com
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