#SocialMediaBan #TeenTragedy #WigglesWorries #AussieSatire #BanDanceHits
By: TheJestPress.com
SYDNEY—After boldly proposing a plan to ban teenagers from social media, Australia has announced its intention to take the digital detox global, ignoring furious protests from the nation’s most influential children’s entertainment group—the Wiggles.
Prime Minister Vegemite “Viral” Morrison took center stage on Tuesday, declaring, “If there’s one thing we Aussies know, it’s how to keep dangerous creatures at bay. And what’s more dangerous than TikTok dances gone rogue?” Morrison assured the public that the government’s network of kangaroo-couriered cease-and-desist letters is ready to hand-deliver the ban to teens worldwide.
But not everyone is lining up for an unplugged Outback. The iconic Wiggles, known for their infectious melodies and nearly weaponized levels of cheerfulness, have voiced concern that banning teens from social media will decimate their most powerful fanbase: embarrassed older siblings who are forced to join “Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy” dance challenges on Instagram in order to keep the peace at home.
“Without TikTok, who will shimmy to ‘Hot Potato’ at their Year 10 formal and become millions of unwilling internet memes?” asked a distraught Murray (the Red Wiggle), clutching his guitar for comfort. The group has even threatened to protest by releasing a haunting, acoustic version of “Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car” dedicated to lost Snap streaks.
Despite the uproar, Australian officials insist the world’s teens will thank them someday. “It’s for your own good!” bellowed Minister of No Fun, Sheila Boomerang, while simultaneously attempting to delete her own MySpace account.
As talks with the UN begin, sources warn of a black market in “Wiggle-core” memes—smuggled on USB sticks inside Vegemite jars. World peace may be far off, but at least the ‘Like’ button finally gets a rest.
By: TheJestPress.com
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