#Satire #BreakingNews #JesusArrested #ICE #CarpenterProblems
By: TheJestPress.com
BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA – In what experts are calling “arguably not the Second Coming we expected,” Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents made headlines yesterday after detaining a local carpenter named Jesus during a morning raid at his workshop on Main Street.
According to onlookers, Jesus—who declined to give a last name, simply stating, “I am that I am”—was calmly sanding down a wooden table when agents stormed in.
“Everyone in town knows Jesus. He’s the guy who hosts free bread and fish barbecues and turns water into unfiltered kombucha,” said neighbor Mary Magdalene (unrelated, she claims). “It’s a real shame, because I just ordered a whole new patio set from him for the summer.”
ICE officials released a statement: “We received a tip regarding an individual who, based on eyewitness accounts and a suspiciously fantastic ability to multiply loaves, may not have ‘proper documentation’ for earthly residency.” The agency also listed additional concerns, including “miraculous healings without a medical license” and “starting a crowd with only five loaves and two fishes, which violates USDA food distribution regulations.”
While some blur the line between this Jesus and the biblical one, local resident Peter Simon stated, “I tried to vouch for him, but it was hard to explain he’s my ‘rock’ without getting weird looks.”
For now, Jesus remains in detention while authorities review records. His lawyer insists he was born nearby, but officials say no census documents confirm any “immaculate paperwork.” DHS further notes concern over how he managed to gather twelve friends in one place without city permits.
When asked for comment, Jesus simply stated, “Forgive them, for they know not the paperwork they file.”
Meanwhile, ICE has issued a warning that anyone capable of walking on water, raising the dead, or building sturdy furniture at below-market rates should “expect questions.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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