#EpsteinUpdate #OopsTheyDidItAgain #JailhouseRocky #JusticeDelayed #WhoHasTheTapes
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking turn of events destined to make Netflix greenlight another ten documentaries, a CBS News investigation has revealed fresh discrepancies in the jailhouse video footage of the late financier, Jeffrey Epstein—a man whose story just keeps replaying, unlike his prison security tapes.
According to the new CBS report, officials called in to review the footage were surprised to find that some video clips were missing, while others mysteriously featured reruns of “Matlock.” “I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be seeing a cell here, not Andy Griffith solving crimes,” admitted one confused investigator, clutching a remote.
The warden at the Metropolitan Correctional Center issued a statement reading, “We are just as shocked as you are. Our official policy is to lose *exactly* one crucial tape per inmate, but in this case, it appears several have wandered off together. We are looking into implementing a tape leash system moving forward.”
Rumors that the missing footage was accidentally sent to the set of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” remain unsubstantiated, but TV viewers everywhere eagerly await a slapstick segment featuring bumbling guards and an errant mop cart.
CBS analysts also claim that in one video—believed to be the most complete—Epstein’s cell inexplicably turns into a Chuck E. Cheese during the crucial midnight hour. “The animatronic mouse really adds to the conspiracy atmosphere,” noted one armchair sleuth with a suspiciously large cork-board at home.
As the investigation continues, CBS says they will remain persistent until every last VHS, Betamax, and cave painting from Epstein’s jail time is located. Meanwhile, Americans everywhere are left with a single, universal question: Is the next batch of evidence already in the employee lost-and-found, or somewhere in a bin marked “Season 2 Outtakes”?
By: TheJestPress.com
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