#Satire #BreakingNews #ICE #JesusArrested #CarpenterCrackdown
By: TheJestPress.com
ICE Arrested a Carpenter Named Jesus. Now His Family is Speaking Out: “Didn’t Do Anything Wrong”
Nazareth, TX – In what many are calling “the most ironic bust of the century,” Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials confirmed this morning that they had handcuffed, detained, and—according to several witnesses—lectured at length a local carpenter identified only as “Jesus.”
“It’s absolutely outrageous,” said Mary, mother of Jesus, who was busy knitting sandals for the less fortunate when news broke. “He literally spends all his time fixing things and handing out bread. Unless that violates some new federal gluten statute, I don’t know what the charge could possibly be.”
ICE spokesperson, Simon R. Pharesi, claimed the raid was prompted by a neighbor’s tip. “We received reports of an unlicensed gathering involving wine, bread, and suspicious levels of kindness,” Pharesi explained. “These things just don’t happen in modern America without raising eyebrows—or in this case, loafs.”
Family and friends rallied outside the ICE holding facility, chanting “Free Christ!” and waving signs reading “Carpenters Make America Build Again,” and “Deportation is Cross Enough!”
“They said he turned water into wine one time, but he was just refilling the Brita pitcher. We don’t even have a liquor license,” said James, Jesus’s younger brother. “Look, he fixes your leaky roof for free and suddenly he’s public enemy number one? Next thing you know, they’ll be after my cousin Moses for parting the swimming pool last summer.”
When reached for comment, ICE officials would neither confirm nor deny rumors that they’ve subpoenaed a donkey and 12 witnesses for further questioning.
As the community rallies for Jesus’s release, Mary offered a final thought: “If being nice is a crime, you better lock up everyone in the PTA.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment