#UkraineSpyScandal #AirForceFollies #EspionageFails #SatireNews #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
In perhaps the most unintentionally ironic moment of the week, Ukraine has announced the arrest of an Air Force major caught allegedly moonlighting as a Russian spy—a career move apparently inspired by classic board game “Risk” and all seven seasons of “Game of Thrones.”
The suspect, whose name Ukrainian authorities will only reveal if you can crack a code written in Cyrillic and potato emojis, was reportedly caught sending classified flight paths directly to the Kremlin using the world’s most suspicious Gmail account, “TotallyNotASpy98@gmail.com.”
Ukrainian defense officials became suspicious after noticing the major’s frequent trips to “banya spas” in eastern Ukraine and his insistence on only drinking vodka “from the motherland.” His lunchbox, embroidered with “I Heart Putin” in glitter glue, also raised red flags, especially after being seen at multiple lunchtime briefings.
“Who would have guessed a guy who ends every sentence with ‘but in Russia things are so much better’ wasn’t just really nostalgic about his study abroad?” mused Colonel Oleksiy Zapodozhenko, who narrowly lost last year’s “Office Most Likely to Defect” contest.
Inside the major’s office, investigators reportedly found several suspicious items: a balaclava, Russian nesting dolls (containing even smaller nesting dolls), and a secret decoder ring he ordered from a cereal box in 1986. According to sources, the ring had only ever decoded Ukrainian potato chips promotions.
Russia, on the other hand, denied everything, claiming the only “major” in their contact list is “Major Ice Cream Mood,” a popular children’s party clown in Moscow. The Kremlin then added, “Honestly, we take better notes on the Kardashians than on Ukrainian military meetings.”
The case is expected to continue, unless the entire staff of the Ukrainian Air Force gets distracted again by another round of “Among Us.” Security analysts warn the next Ukrainian counter-espionage initiative may just start a GoFundMe for polygraph tests.
By: TheJestPress.com
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