#Satire #VapingNews #FlavorBan #TobaccoTrends #StudiesBeLike
By: TheJestPress.com
A new, shockingly inconclusive study published this week reveals that state bans on flavored e-cigarettes have an impact on tobacco use that hovers somewhere between “life-changing revelation” and “absolutely nothing at all.”
Researchers at the Society of Broad Conclusions (SBC) surveyed 17,000 people in 47 states and one guy vaping mango in a parking lot. The results, not unlike your uncle’s opinion on the matter, were all over the place. In states where flavor bans went into effect, some turned to classic combustible cigarettes, others dusted off their old pipes, while a select few desperately Googled “DIY bubblegum vape juice.” At least three picked up saxophone as a “smoky alternative.”
“I definitely thought I’d quit everything if they took away my ‘Cotton Candy Tornado,’” said local flavor enthusiast Madison Kraft. “But now I’m just confusing the pharmacist by asking if Benadryl comes in ‘Unicorn Milkshake.’”
Tobacco companies remained optimistic. “We see this as an opportunity to reintroduce adults to the grown-up flavors they love, like ‘Old Wallet’ and ‘Laundry Room Mold,’” said a spokesperson for Big Smoke Inc. Meanwhile, vape shops in border states experienced an underground boom, with a thriving black market for “Blueberry Bliss” operating out of minivans and, ironically, ice cream trucks.
Lawmakers celebrated the findings. “This study proves what I’ve always said,” boasted Senator Bill Pufferton, “that science is real, and so is both sides of this issue. I will continue to not take a firm stance until the next election.”
Ultimately, experts concluded that flavor bans made a major difference for people who already had strong opinions, while everyone else was just slightly more confused and possibly inhaling root beer that was never meant to be vaped.
“Yes, the results are mixed,” confessed the head researcher, “but on the plus side, at least nobody’s vaping Brussels sprout.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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