#Satire #AmazonBans #ToyTrouble #NewJerseyNews #OutlawedObjects
By: TheJestPress.com
**Amazon Bans Sale of “These Toys” After New Jersey Declares All-Out War on Fun**
In a move shocking to children, nostalgic adults, and emotionally stunted toy collectors everywhere, Amazon has officially banned the sale of “these toys”—yes, those very toys—thanks to a groundbreaking new law signed by New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy this week.
The legislation, titled “Operation No-Fun NJ Act,” prohibits the sale of any toy that is, according to the bill, “potentially, theoretically, or metaphorically dangerous, loud, annoying, or remotely fun.” This includes but is not limited to: foam dart blasters, toys with more than three detachable parts, things with wheels that go faster than a brisk walking pace, and any product that encourages sibling rivalry.
Governor Murphy explained, “If a toy is enjoyable or makes noise above the decibel level of a gentle sneeze, it’s gotta go.” The law also covers the sale of LEGO sets containing more than six blocks, citing “preventative foot protection for parents.”
In response, Amazon’s crack team of robotics immediately halted all shipments of “these toys” to New Jersey zip codes. The tech giant’s Jeff Bezos hologram released a statement saying, “While we regret depriving New Jerseyans of dangerously fun toys, we look forward to fulfilling your orders for 800-piece jigsaw puzzles and instruction manuals—all law-abiding alternatives.”
Local New Jersey parent Tracy Peppers expressed relief, stating, “Finally, I can walk through my living room without risking a Hot Wheels-induced ER visit. Thank you, Governor Murphy!” Meanwhile, children statewide have announced plans for a “fun embargo” until their plastic missiles, slime, and remote-control cars are legal again.
At press time, New York kids were sending covert shipments of Nerf darts across the Hudson in hollowed-out Taylor Ham rolls. The New Jersey legislature promised a crackdown: “Any toy found in a birthday pinata shall be reclassified as contraband and immediately confiscated for…uh, further testing.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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