#LithuanianScandal #PaluckasPanic #ProtestPals #SatireNews #NotTheOnion
By: TheJestPress.com
Vilnius, Lithuania – In a twist that absolutely nobody saw coming (except for everyone), Prime Minister Gintautas Paluckas has resigned effective immediately, citing a “sudden and overwhelming desire to spend more time with his lawyer.” The abrupt exit comes amid an escalating corruption probe and the kind of street protests typically reserved for Eurovision eliminations and price hikes on pickled herring.
Paluckas’s resignation letter, delivered on biodegradable confetti, stated: “After careful self-reflection, public outcry, and a few too many awkward calls from my grandma, I have decided to pursue opportunities where ‘kickback’ only means relaxing in a chair.” He ended with a quote from Socrates, who, according to Paluckas, “also got into a bit of trouble for asking too many questions.”
Since the probe began, Lithuanian citizens have bravely shown their commitment to democracy by marching through Vilnius with placards reading “No More Bribes, Only Bribes-nipples!*” and “Give Us Clean Government (Or Just Clean Sidewalks, We’ll Settle).” Sources say Paluckas attempted to win back support by promising free potato pancakes for all—an initiative now under investigation for suspiciously greasy handouts.
“The Prime Minister’s commitment to resigning with dignity and minimal handcuffs is inspiring,” said one protestor, holding up a sign referencing last year’s scandal about Paluckas’s extravagant collection of golden shovels.
When asked if he would consider running again in the future, Paluckas replied, “Only if the campaign comes with immunity—diplomatic or otherwise.” Bookmakers are already taking odds on whether his next role will be as a lobbyist, talk show host, or the voice of Lithuania’s official national apology hotline.
Meanwhile, opposition parties have seized the moment to actually agree on something for the first time since the invention of rye bread.
By: TheJestPress.com
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