#OldMoneyOldPolitics #YouthNeedsAllowance #CampaignFinanceFossils #BoomerBallots #MillennialMourning
By: TheJestPress.com
**Report: American Politicians So Old Even Their Campaign Donations Are in Pesos**
New research has revealed an uncomfortable truth: the average age of U.S. politicians now officially qualifies them to order from the Senior Menu at Denny’s—twice. While some point to the wisdom of seasoned leaders, experts say the real secret ingredient is “campaign finance”—which, unfortunately, is not a hip crypto startup but a direct deposit from the Early Bird Special crowd.
Political science professor Ned Runnings explains, “America’s campaign finance system is an intricate web woven from Social Security checks and Werther’s Originals. The top donors are old and loaded—if they wanted a selfie with their favorite candidate, they’d have to ask their grandkid to show them how to use ‘the camera app thingy.’”
Old Americans, not content with besting their grandchildren at Monopoly and “Remember When,” are also out-spending and out-influencing them at the ballot box. “I kept my teeth in a cup next to a checkbook,” says 94-year-old mega-donor Doris Pennypincher, proud supporter of septuagenarian candidates. “These young whippersnappers want to change too much. Back in my day, politicians and their donors both fell asleep during filibusters!”
Meanwhile, aspiring politicians under 60 have been observed forming campaign finance support groups and learning to feign back pain for strategic sympathy. Very few succeed. “I tried asking my grandma for a campaign donation,” laments 28-year-old Senate hopeful Dustin Noway. “She said she’d think about it when I’m ‘more mature,’ then Venmoed $500 to Joe Biden by accident.”
If things don’t change, analysts warn that by 2050, the U.S. Congress will meet exclusively in bingo halls and legislate via rotary phone. Millennials and Gen Z, it seems, will be left writing their campaign speeches on unpaid student loan notices, hoping someday to be old enough to qualify for donations—or at least discounts on prescription eyewear.
By: TheJestPress.com
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