#Ukraine #Corruption #Politics #SatireNews #AntiGraft
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking turn of events, Ukrainian officials have announced a bold new initiative: restoring the power of their anti-graft agencies, which up until now had all the authority of a mall cop chasing a loose pigeon.
At a press conference held suspiciously close to an ATM, President Zelensky stated, “We are empowering our anti-corruption task force! They will finally have real tools—like working internet, chairs, and, with some luck, actual pens.” Insiders say the agencies have also received brand-new official vests reading: “Corruption. Please Stop.”
The move comes after Ukraine realized that its anti-graft agencies were formerly staffed exclusively with volunteers from the “See Nothing, Hear Nothing, Say Nothing” civic club. “We wanted a team with experience, so we hired only people who had never noticed anything illegal, even when it was tattooed on someone’s forehead,” admitted Minister of Transparency, O. Turner Blindeye.
With new powers restored (including the right to utter the word ‘bribe’ at full volume), Ukrainian officials hope foreign investors will look past the country’s former “choose your own adventure” style of law enforcement. “We want outsiders to know our agencies will now regularly investigate something. Possibly themselves. It’s progress!” said an anonymous spokesperson who wore sunglasses indoors.
Skeptics remain unconvinced. “Restoring power is one thing, but do they know how to plug it in?” asked resident power grid expert, Oleg Voltaj. “Last week, my anti-graft investigator asked me for jumper cables.”
Still, the agencies’ official mandate will focus on “relentlessly pursuing paperwork” and “tirelessly tracking down those who make us look bad on telegram.” Staff are said to be excited for their new role, hoping this time, the only thing missing will be the corruption.
Ukrainians are bracing for a future where corruption is only half as blatant—and twice as creative.
By: TheJestPress.com
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