#OldSoulBaby #FrozenInTime #TimelessTot #VintageBaby #EmbryonicThrowback
By: TheJestPress.com
In a feat that, until recently, was only possible in refrigerator commercials and bad science fiction movies, the world’s “oldest baby” was born this week from an embryo that had been frozen since 1994—meaning this newborn has already been alive long enough to enjoy a full Destiny’s Child discography and still get confused by TikTok.
Little Timmy—whose birth certificate comes with a complimentary Blockbuster membership—emerged perfectly healthy, sporting a mullet, and demanding to know who shot J.R. According to his parents, “He keeps asking about fax machines and whether Beanie Babies are still a good investment.”
Medical staff at the Neo-natal Jurassic Park Maternity Center said they were amazed by the baby’s encyclopedic knowledge of AOL dial-up tones and his refusal to acknowledge any music recorded after Ace of Base. “It’s like we skipped the entire Gen Z cohort,” remarked Dr. Lisa Pageturner. “This baby can barely hold a rattle, but he can sing all the words to ‘Macarena.’”
Upon seeing the news, Microsoft released a press statement congratulating the baby and offering a lifetime subscription to Windows 95 updates. “We feel a kinship,” said Bill Gates via paged memo.
Meanwhile, internet forums are abuzz with the ethical implications of prehistoric babies joining modern society. “Has anyone checked if he’s eligible for retroactive Pokémon trading cards?” wondered one user, “or will he be forced to play Roblox like the rest of us?”
Timmy’s story opens a whole new can of time-traveling worms. Will our next president be an embryo from 1987? Will the Baby Boomers now claim they’re literally being replaced by babies from their own era?
As for Timmy, he remains optimistic about the future—and hopeful that, someday, he’ll get to see the Spice Girls reunion tour… for the first time.
By: TheJestPress.com
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