#NashvilleTunnel #ElonMusk #BoringCompany #FreeLand #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
NASHVILLE, TN — In a bold move that local officials say was “absolutely not influenced by free flamethrower coupons,” the city council has unanimously approved a *free* land lease for Elon Musk’s The Boring Company to tunnel beneath the vibrant honky-tonk streets of Nashville. The plan, resembling the love child of the Underground Railroad and a futuristic slip’n’slide, will soon connect “places nobody ever really needed to go that fast,” according to concerned residents.
The public outcry was swift and vocal, briefly threatening to override the council’s enthusiasm when local banjo players staged a 17-minute protest, confusing tourists and delighting pigeons. “I just don’t want a tunnel full of Teslas popping up in my kitchen!” declared Gloria Jenkins, a spokesperson for Neighborhoods Opposing Underworld Musk (N.O.U.M.). “These tunnels could disturb prehistoric Elvis fossils!”
Yet, city leaders remain unfazed. “It’s not every day a billionaire wants to dig holes under your city for sport,” said Councilmember Rick Jolley, “and we were running out of new ways to mess up downtown traffic anyway.”
The Boring Company, for its part, promises cutting-edge amenities, including WiFi strong enough to let passengers order cowboy boots during the commute, and a high likelihood of emerging in the general vicinity of your intended destination. When asked if the tunnel will ever actually open, Musk responded via cryptic tweet: “Tunnel. Soon. 🦇”
Meanwhile, Nashville’s public works department is busy crafting a backup plan involving three moles, seventeen shovels, and a dream. Opponents are still holding out hope that the project will be delayed once Musk realizes Metro Council paid him entirely in secondhand Dolly Parton memorabilia.
Stay tuned, Nashville. There’s never been a better time to invest in above-ground maps.
By: TheJestPress.com
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