#ColombianJustice #HouseArrestGoals #UribeNotUber #HomeSweetHome #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
MEDELLÍN, COLOMBIA — In an unprecedented moment for Colombian politics, ex-President Álvaro Uribe has been sentenced to 12 years of house arrest for bribery, launching a new golden age of living-room governance and balcony diplomacy.
According to sources, Uribe—famous for his hands-on (and sometimes off-the-books) leadership style—will now take a permanent staycation in his rural estate, which, at 34 bedrooms, is roughly twice the size of the presidential palace and only slightly less crowded with bodyguards.
Legal experts agree the sentence is groundbreaking, marking the first time a former leader’s punishment includes unlimited cable TV, open-air jacuzzis, and—due to COVID protocols—unrestricted access to his own chef. “This is a stern message to all politicians: If you break the law, you’ll be forced to spend a decade and change in your personal paradise, eating imported chocolates and staring out at your very own coffee plantation,” stated a stern-faced judge, sipping an espresso brewed in the accused’s kitchen.
When asked about his new lifestyle, Uribe remained upbeat. “I’ve always preferred leading from the sofa! Now, I can reflect deeply on my legacy and whether to go with the marble or gold bidet in the guest wing,” he declared, Zooming from a home office larger than most small towns.
Colombian citizens, meanwhile, have been inspired by the sentence, demanding similar punishments for minor infractions. “My husband forgot our anniversary,” said one local woman. “He better get at least two years’ house arrest. Minimum!”
Political analysts say the real punishment may come in the form of Netflix recommendations, which are reportedly 90% “Narcos,” 10% telenovelas, and 100% awkward.
Regardless of how the years pass, one thing is clear: justice in Colombia is best served at room temperature, preferably with a side of empanadas and a panoramic view.
By: TheJestPress.com
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