#GlobalWarmingGrades #TooHotForHomework #SweatySubjects #MeltingMinds #ACPlease
By: TheJestPress.com
In a shocking revelation that’s making everyone sweat just reading about it, scientists have confirmed what exhausted, heat-stroked students have long suspected: rising temperatures are melting their ability to perform in school as thoroughly as an ice cream cone on a Miami sidewalk.
Classrooms across the globe resemble steam rooms, but with less relaxation and more algebra. Students are reportedly struggling to focus, and not just on why they haven’t finished their homework. Teachers say that standardized test scores are so low, they’re now classified as “lukewarm at best.”
“I thought I just didn’t understand trigonometry,” confessed 14-year-old Maria Gomez, “but it turns out my brain was literally poaching itself during the exam.” Other students say their pencils have begun to wilt mid-test, rendering legible handwriting a thing of the past.
School boards are racing to find solutions. Some suggestions have included ice-bucket challenge pop quizzes and turning the fire alarm into a daily hydration reminder. One school in Arizona recently installed “Cool Zones” filled with popsicles and faint hopes, while another simply handed out tiny battery-powered fans, which stopped working after 17 seconds and caused intense classroom jealousy.
Scientists agree the solution is simple: install air conditioning in every classroom—assuming, of course, the planet doesn’t combust before the next PTA meeting. One expert explained, “If we don’t fix this soon, diplomas will be printed on sweat-resistant paper, and valedictorians will be crowned based on who remembered to bring deodorant.”
In the meantime, teachers say they’re updating lesson plans to include survival tactics. Next week’s pop quiz: “How many liters of water can you drink before you turn into your own science experiment?”
We’ll bring you more updates—unless our keyboard melts first.
By: TheJestPress.com
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