#satire #russia #kyiv #news #war
By: TheJestPress.com
Kyiv—In a shocking turn of events, Russia has once again demonstrated its unwavering commitment to increasing international outrage as the death toll from its latest “surprise” attack on Kyiv has climbed to 28, with 159 wounded. Military experts say Russian President Vladimir Putin is now “leapfrogging the Geneva Convention in both speed and creativity,” leaving most UN officials dizzy from spinning in their ergonomic chairs.
The overnight barrage, which Russian spokespersons dubbed “Tuesday’s Generous Sharing of Democracy,” reportedly lasted longer than Putin’s patience at a chess match, though considerably shorter than the Russian legal process. Sources close to the Kremlin insist that the attack was “totally accidental,” citing that a map labelled “Ukraine” was actually intended for use as a coaster under Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s vodka glass.
Local residents in Kyiv sought shelter in subways, bathtubs, and, for one resourceful man, a giant hollowed-out loaf of bread. “At first I thought the explosions were a new TikTok trend,” said 22-year-old Daria Novak. “But then my phone lost WiFi and I realized it was just war—again.”
World leaders responded with the standard three-pronged strategy: firstly, expressing “deep concern” via Twitter; secondly, using the word “unacceptable” in at least five different press releases; and, finally, sending a small but meaningful batch of cookies and strongly-worded emojis directly to the Russian embassy.
Meanwhile, the Kremlin’s official statement insisted the barrage was for “precision archaeological research,” and any civilian casualties should “brighten up and enjoy the fireworks.”
Ukrainians, known for their humor and grit, have ironically named the new missile shelter “Putin’s Panic Room.” When asked if Kyiv residents were scared, local babushka Irina responded, “I survived Stalin, I survived the 90s, this is just Tuesday.”
Stay tuned for more updates on Russia’s next diplomatic “surprise party.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment