#PaulaDeen #SavannahEats #ButterEmergency #SouthernCooking #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
SAVANNAH, GA – In a stunning turn of events that sent shockwaves through the bacon-wrapped, deep-fried corridors of southern cuisine, celebrity chef and butter enthusiast Paula Deen announced this week the permanent closure of her iconic Savannah restaurants.
Deen, whose eateries have long been hailed as the “Disneylands of cholesterol,” cited “changing tastes, difficult times, and a suspicious lack of interest in nine-stick breakfast biscuits” as reasons for the shuttering. The restaurants, famous for offering sweet tea with the viscosity of maple syrup and pecan pies larger than the average toddler, will reportedly be replaced by yoga studios and poke bowl shops—a fate Deen compares to “replacing grandma’s hugs with a firm, gluten-free handshake.”
Customers lined up for one last fix of Chicken à la Heart Palpitation, some swearing they could never get used to kale. “How am I supposed to explain this to my arteries?” lamented local faithful Big Earl T. Butterworth, whose medical bracelet simply reads, ‘No more gravy, please.’
Souvenirs flew off the shelves, with Deen-branded butter churns becoming the Beanie Babies of 2024. One tearful tourist was seen gripping a Paula Deen spatula whispering, “This is for you, Grandma. And my LDL levels.”
Paula herself promises this won’t be the last of her. “I’ll be back,” she declared, “whenever America needs more butter. Or when margarine tries to rise up again.” Rumors swirl she may re-emerge in the pop-up scene, offering hush puppies out of an unmarked van. Authorities urge people not to approach her unless they’re prepared for unsolicited casserole recipes.
As Savannah bids a tearful goodbye to its Queen of Cream, nutritionists everywhere release a collective sigh of relief—and cholesterol medication stocks plummet.
Butter luck next time, Paula.
By: TheJestPress.com
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