#FakeNews #SaveBigBird #PBSDrama #DavidAttenboroughUnemployed #FundingFlops
By: TheJestPress.com
In breaking news, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) announced today that it will be shutting down “just to see if anybody actually notices.” The bold move, coming after decades of being mistaken for the fourth Muppet on ‘Sesame Street,’ is sending shockwaves through tote bag collectors nationwide.
“Frankly, we’re tired of people thinking we’re NPR’s weird cousin or a warehouse full of Ken Burns documentaries no one asked for,” said CPB spokesperson Phil A. Grant. “So we figured we’d close up shop for a week. If no one writes a poem about us on ‘Prairie Home Companion,’ we’ll consider it permanent.”
Most Americans reacted with confusion, muttering, “Isn’t that the Big Bird channel?” while frantically searching their local listings, only to find pledge drives still playing on loop. The market for tote bags featuring obscure illustrated animals has plunged 70%, and rumors swirl that Ken Burns has barricaded himself inside a Civil War diorama until further notice.
With the shutdown, PBS hosts are scrambling to reinvent themselves in the private sector. Reports indicate Cookie Monster will now review cupcakes on YouTube, Big Bird is auditioning for a role in a revival of ‘Friends,’ and David Attenborough is considering narrating TikTok dances.
Congress immediately convened an emergency session, mostly to avoid pretending to understand the difference between ‘This Old House’ and their own actual house, which they can’t fix anyway. Meanwhile, a group of Baby Boomers has launched a fundraising hotline, selling vintage VHS tapes of ‘Reading Rainbow’ and promising, “If you call now, LeVar Burton will send you a personal thank-you—probably.”
When asked what will happen if the shutdown becomes permanent, CPB officials shrugged. “Americans will just have to learn history from YouTube reaction videos like everyone else,” they said, sipping overpriced lattes from NPR mugs now listed as ‘vintage memorabilia’ on eBay.
By: TheJestPress.com
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