#Satire #BeautyStandards #ModelMayhem #WeightyMatters #EqualityPlease
By: TheJestPress.com
**Study Finds: Only Women Allowed to Look Like They Survive on Celery, Men Advised to Hit Buffet**
In a shocking twist that no one with internet access could possibly have predicted, scientists have discovered that while underweight male models are rated significantly lower in attractiveness and healthiness, underweight female models continue to soar to dizzying heights of desirability. Apparently, in our culture, the “gaunt Dickensian orphan” look is in for women and out for men—unless you’re a koala, in which case you’re mostly rated for cuddliness.
The study reveals that when it comes to male models, audiences prefer them healthy, hearty, and at least capable of opening a stubborn pickle jar. One female participant reportedly fainted upon seeing a male model unable to bench press a throw pillow, exclaiming, “How will he ever save me from the next minor household inconvenience?” Research further confirmed that underweight men were rated lower than a Wi-Fi signal in a bomb shelter.
Meanwhile, female models didn’t just survive the scrutiny—they thrived. Even those hovering just below the healthy weight threshold received rave reviews for “youth” and “attractiveness.” Observers nodded approvingly, “She looks like she has never encountered a carb in her natural habitat. Stunning.” All this despite medical charts quietly weeping in the corner.
Experts confirmed the findings are consistent with cultural ideals. “Society loves its women fair, frail, and apparently existing on moonbeams and smoothie bowls,” Dr. Weighty Matters explained. “Men, on the other hand, are expected to measure their worth by biceps circumference and the relative firmness of their handshake.”
The report concludes with a hopeful nugget for equality: Researchers are lobbying for next year’s runways to feature at least one male model who’s been lost in the protein aisle since 1998 and a female model holding a sandwich. The world waits with bated, carb-free breath.
By: TheJestPress.com
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