#Satire #AustinNews #PrideFlag #ChurchChronicles #HolyMischief
By: TheJestPress.com
AUSTIN, TX — Members of Holy Roller United Baptist Church arrived this Sunday to find their holy sanctuary in a state most unholy: their beloved Pride flag, which had been gently waving next to the ‘World’s Best Potluck’ banner, had been torn down! Vandals, presumably suffering from a severe deficiency of both color and sparkle, left behind a single note reading, “God Hates Rainbows: Try Beige.”
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “like Game of Thrones, but with more quinoa salads.” Church member Linda Frocking stated, “When I saw that missing flag, I gasped so loudly, I scared the communion wine right out of Reverend Susan’s hands.”
Local police were quick to respond, cordoning off the area and dusting for fabulously glittery fingerprints. Special investigator Deputy Danny Sparkles theorized, “We believe the suspect has a strong aversion to pigment saturation and possibly seasonal joy. We’re looking for someone who wears exclusively tan and frowns at parades.”
Pastor Susan Rainbow (née Greyson, renamed following last year’s highly publicized Colorful Conversion) addressed the congregation with hope and resilience: “We shall not let this beige menace dull our sparkle. In fact, our next sermon is titled ‘Let There Be Luminescence.’ All are welcome. Even the flat-hued.”
Area Pride organizations offered support, delivering six replacement flags, a drag queen security detail, and one wildly enthusiastic labradoodle named Glitterbomb. Meanwhile, local church member Bob Hues plans to replace the torn flag with a ten-story mural, declaring, “If the Lord can part the Red Sea, surely He can handle a little extra magenta.”
Authorities warned would-be vandals, “Austin may be weird, but that’s how we like it. Mess with the rainbow and expect a downpour—all colors included.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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