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#BuffettOnTheCheddar #KraftyLosses #WriteDownWoes #HeinzSight2024 #SpreadTheSatire
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**By: TheJestPress.com**
OMAHA, NE – In a move that sent shockwaves through snack aisles and condiment cupboards nationwide, Berkshire Hathaway announced a $3.8 billion write-down on its investment in Kraft Heinz, proving once again that even the Oracle of Omaha occasionally mistakes Cheese Whiz for golden cheddar.
Company insiders say Warren Buffett, who once claimed, “I only invest in things I like to eat,” may have made one trip to the supermarket too many. Sources close to the billionaire investor report he’s tried to personally increase Kraft Heinz’s profits by consuming his own body weight in ketchup and Lunchables, but to no avail.
“Turns out you can’t just eat your way out of a declining market share,” said a Kraft Heinz executive, nervously adjusting his tomato-shaped tie.
Operating profits dipped harder than an unsteady chip into stale queso. “We underestimated millennials’ love for ‘artisanal spreads’ and fear of processed cheese slices,” admitted one financial analyst, taking a sullen bite of a cold hot dog.
Berkshire officials say they remain optimistic, hinting a new marketing campaign will tout Kraft Singles as the original “NFTs: Non-Fungible Tastiness.” Meanwhile, Heinz is rumored to be developing a 58th variety, code-named “Desperate Investor Relish.”
In an emergency strategy meeting, Buffett’s long-time partner Charlie Munger suggested, “Maybe next time, we should invest in companies that don’t require an actual palate to appreciate.” Buffett, ever the optimist, replied, “I still believe in ketchup. And unicorns. But mostly ketchup.”
Investors are advised to keep calm and carry on squeezing, though rumors persist that the next big Berkshire acquisition will be Tums.
Stay tuned as Berkshire Hathaway explores “healthy” investments—like organic celery—which, unlike Kraft products, sadly can’t be paired with ranch.
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By: TheJestPress.com
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