#Satire #ScienceNews #HealthParadox #CuomosLaw #EatWithCaution
By: TheJestPress.com
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**New UCSD Study Finds Kale May Turn on You as Soon as You Catch a Disease**
SAN DIEGO—Just when you thought your kale smoothies, gluten-free slackline brunches, and raw almond home enemas were keeping you safe, science has pulled the rug out from beneath your Birkenstocks. According to a groundbreaking new study by researchers at UC San Diego, healthy foods—like spinach, blueberries, and anything Gwyneth Paltrow sells for $70 an ounce—may actually become your sworn enemies after you develop cancer or heart disease.
Dubbed “Cuomo’s Paradox” (not to be confused with the other Cuomos in the news), this dazzling new theory posits that dietary habits once lauded for preventing diseases may transform, Voldemort-style, into the very factors threatening your survival. In other words, the broccoli that once guarded your arteries like an overzealous mall cop might actually start attacking you as soon as you get sick.
“Imagine everything that’s good for you suddenly becomes bad for you,” said lead author Dr. Lisa Cuomo. “It’s like milk—good for you as a kid, but after 30, it becomes a lactose-powered missile targeting your colon.”
Excitement rippled through the medical community and local Whole Foods sample trays. “Basically, my job is now impossible,” groaned Steve, a registered dietitian. “There is literally nothing I can recommend anymore except maybe water. Wait, nope—never mind, someone just choked on that last week.”
In light of Cuomo’s Paradox, hospitals nationwide are considering new menus, including Cheez-Its, soda, and the “YOLO Plate” (deep-fried butter atop a glazed donut).
The study concludes with universally helpful advice: “Try not to get sick. If you do, ask your kale how it feels about self-sabotage.”
**By: TheJestPress.com**
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