#Satire #AirMarshals #DeportationDuty #UnfriendlySkies #BreakingNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Air Marshals Shift to Deportation Duty, Now Offering Complimentary Bumpy Rides**
In what’s being hailed as the “most creative airline seating arrangement since the middle seat,” the Department of Homeland Security announced yesterday that U.S. Air Marshals will now divide their time between thwarting terrorist plots and giving frequent flyer miles to unsuspecting deportees.
“Why settle for quietly watching over passengers, when you could actively participate in your next favorite sport: in-flight deportation?” said DHS spokesman Rick Plane, before demonstrating his patented “deluxe wristband” on a conference room chair.
Passengers aboard recent flights have already noticed subtle changes. “I thought the guy with the earpiece was just a talkative air marshal,” said Janet Flickers, 54, of Cincinnati. “But then midflight he announced, ‘Next stop, Guatemala!’ and started collecting passports.”
In-flight announcements have been updated, too. Typical instructions now include: “In the unlikely event of an involuntary extradition, a federal marshal will appear beneath your seat. Please keep your arms, legs, and immigration paperwork inside the aircraft at all times.”
Air Marshals are reportedly getting creative with their new role, with one agent reportedly bringing snacks to detainees—“Peanuts, pretzels, or a direct flight home, sir?”
Airlines are also testing new loyalty perks. United is launching a “Mile High Mojado Club,” providing silver handcuffs and expedited boarding for those currently residing on the no-fly list. Meanwhile, Delta is offering a “One-way International” ticket that comes with a free copy of “Global Entry for Dummies.”
Critics say the program overextends already overloaded Air Marshals. But supporters argue it’s a win-win: fewer terrorists and more room in coach. “Besides,” Plane added, “it’s never been easier to get points for every mile you’re forcibly removed!”
In a final statement, DHS reassured the public: “Whether you’re flying home—or just flying from home—Air Marshals will be there. Probably in your row. And yes, they take their coffee black.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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