#MentalHealthMatters #IllinoisInnovates #TestAnxiety #BackToSchoolBlues #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Illinois Becomes First State to Require Student Mental Health Screenings: Students Respond, “Wait, Don’t You Cause Half Our Problems?”**
In a bold move to address the needs of today’s stressed students, Illinois has announced it will become the first state to require annual mental health screenings for all public school students. This brave initiative aims to finally figure out which children are burnt out from algebra, TikTok anxiety, or have simply read the syllabus for American History.
Educators say the new program will offer students a brief survey, during which they will decide if circling “always,” “sometimes,” or “are you kidding me?” is the best way to describe their feelings about school.
“We’ve noticed an uptick in students creating memes about existential dread during study hall,” said Superintendent Linda Widget. “We thought: Let’s proactively measure which kids are going to snap, instead of just waiting for the next ‘dropped ice cream meltdown’ in the cafeteria.”
However, many students are skeptical. Sophomore Tyler B. commented, “Is this one of those tests where the answer is always ‘C’?”
While parents expressed cautious optimism, some lamented that, back in their day, the only screening was the occasional eye test, or a teacher yelling, “Buck up, buttercup!” across the gym. “Does this mean my son won’t be able to fail quietly anymore?” asked one concerned father.
Test results will be securely filed away next to students’ forgotten permission slips and the gym teacher’s collection of lost dodgeballs.
School board members are hopeful the mental health screenings will pave the way for other practical assessments—such as “Why Am I Always Tired 101” and “Advanced Procrastination Sciences.”
Rumors that the SAT will soon be replaced with a three-hour group therapy session remain unconfirmed, though sources report the study guide is just a list of feelings.
By: TheJestPress.com
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