#JusticeServed #NothingToSeeHere #TrustTheProcess #MoveAlong #AccountabilityLite
By: TheJestPress.com
**Israel Closes 88% of Alleged War Crimes Cases—Justice System Now Accepting Applications for Professional Rug Sweepers**
In a move that has absolutely nothing to do with covering up embarrassing war crimes or possible abuses, Israeli authorities have heroically managed to close 88% of all cases involving allegations against military personnel, according to a recent report. And bravo, too—many thought 88% was impossible in a world where 100% was so temptingly close.
A military spokesperson clarified, “All of these investigations were closed without charges after our elite unit of file-closers determined every single incident was just a harmless misunderstanding. Like that time we mistook a peace rally for intricate guerrilla warfare choreography.”
The global legal community has been left understandably impressed. “It’s an inspiration to bureaucracies everywhere,” said one envious UN official, “I haven’t seen this thoroughness since the infamous Olympic Sweep of Russian Doping Charges, 2014.” Meanwhile, Israel’s military introduced a new course on “Efficient Allegation Disposal” at its prestigious war college.
Victims’ families received official closure notices via carrier pigeon, because emails would have required a subject line. The notes simply read: “Case Closed: Trust Us.” There were smiles all round when it was confirmed the closure rate applies equally to “war crimes” and “slightly rough language during pauses in fighting.” Critics are asked to file concerns in the round receptacle located near every officials’ desk.
To celebrate this achievement, sources say Israel’s Ministry of Justice will next attempt the world record for Most Cases Shelved In A 24-Hour Period—right behind “Fastest Ever Shrug Delivered While Saying ‘Let’s Move On.’”
Anyone interested in learning the fine art of not seeing things is invited to join Israel’s acclaimed “Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Prosecute No Evil” summer internship.
By: TheJestPress.com
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