#Satire #JeaninePirro #SenateConfirmation #AttorneyPirro #WashingtonWhirlwind
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move that sent shockwaves through reality, the U.S. Senate boldly confirmed former TV host and decibel enthusiast Jeanine Pirro as U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia this morning. Lawmakers cited her “unmatched ability to turn basic legal principles into 90-decibel monologues” and “deep familiarity with prosecuting awkward Fox News panelists” as the main reasons behind this historic appointment.
Pirro, who arrived at the confirmation hearing wielding a skeptic’s gavel and her trademark side-eye, assured senators she was “absolutely ready to bring courtroom drama back to D.C. in a way not seen since Law & Order was cancelled.” In her opening remarks, she immediately demanded that all future legal filings be submitted in ALL CAPS—“for both clarity and volume.”
Republican senators applauded her “love of due process, assuming the process ends in someone yelling ‘Guilty!’” Meanwhile, Democrats, mostly wearing earplugs, voted in favor after Pirro agreed to a “two hour per day” limit on spontaneous courtroom rants and a strict no-wine-at-docket policy.
Pirro’s top priorities reportedly include replacing the jury with “a panel of rotating Fox & Friends personalities” and renaming the Supreme Court “The Really Supreme Court, with Extra Cheese.” According to sources, she also requested to install a revolving door at the courthouse—“for all those pesky midnight subpoenas Washington keeps churning out.”
In her first public statement, Pirro promised to “prosecute, persecute, execute, or at least hotly debate anyone who stands in the way of American jurisprudence, common sense, or responsible hair volume.”
Critics fear Pirro may conflate dramatic rhetorical questions with legal evidence, but supporters believe her three-minute monologues are “the fastest summary judgments in U.S. history.” Court reporters are already petitioning for hazard pay.
One thing is certain: D.C.’s legal scene just got a little louder.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment