#EarthquakeNYC #JerseyShake #CoffeeSpilled #NotTheSubway #QuakeAndBake
By: TheJestPress.com
**Small Earthquake Rattles NYC, New Jersey: Locals Suspect Subway, Shrug, Order Bagels Anyway**
NEW YORK—Chaos, confusion, and at least three spilled oat milk lattes erupted across the New York metropolitan area this morning after a mighty—let’s be honest, rather modest—earthquake rippled through Manhattan and parts of New Jersey.
“I just assumed the F train jumped the tracks again,” confessed Brooklyn resident Maddy Feldman, brushing a layer of mysterious dust off her $14 avocado toast. “Honestly, the rumble was about the same.”
Emergency officials report that the quake measured an earth-shaking 2.1 on the Richter scale, or as one lifelong New Yorker interpreted it, “just above a garbage truck backfiring.”
Commuters interviewed outside Penn Station were mostly unimpressed. “Listen, pal,” said Tony Romano, clutching a crumpled MetroCard. “After last week’s Mets game, nothing rattles me. Plus, the rent still hasn’t dropped.” Indeed, the real estate market remained unchanged, though several landlords briefly considered upping rates due to now “luxury seismic amenities.”
In nearby New Jersey, residents filed outside to assess the damage, which included a tipped-over lawn flamingo and one slightly distressed squirrel. Hoboken’s mayor declared a state of mild inconvenience and deployed an extra crossing guard for emotional support.
New York City officials, meanwhile, thanked the quake for finally shaking loose the Cheetos from under a Yankee Stadium seat last wedged there circa 1993.
Scientists remind everyone that small quakes are normal, advising future preparedness with a flashlight, bottled water, and a solid sense of nonchalance. “This city survived Godzilla, the Ghostbusters, and the 1977 blackout,” said New York historian Sal Fratelli. “We’ll bounce back. We always do. Probably with a new pizza-themed TikTok trend.”
At press time, most New Yorkers remained unfazed, and a million more continued to ignore personal space on the subway, as required by city ordinance.
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