#ExtinctionEmergency #EndangeredEverything #NaturePanic #WhereDidEverybodyGo #SaveTheLastOne
By: TheJestPress.com
A groundbreaking new study has revealed that more than 10,000 species are teetering so precariously on the edge of extinction, even professional high-wire acts are jealous. Scientists warn that without “urgent action,” the animal kingdom may soon resemble a low-budget sequel to Jurassic Park — but with fewer dinosaurs and more tumbleweeds.
The study, conducted by a team of conservationists and at least one intern who “likes animals,” found that over 1,500 critically endangered species now boast fewer than 50 mature individuals in the wild. “At this point, some of these species may have to resort to speed dating,” a scientist commented, snacking on guilt-free kale. “If you’ve ever felt lonely, try being a Saola or a Javan rhino. At least you’ve got Tinder.”
Among the species clinging to existence are the lesser-spotted ‘Whydoesthisalwayshappentous’ beetle and the greater-ringed ‘Wehavenofriendsleft’ bat. To help, conservationists are proposing a range of solutions, including wildlife speed-matching events, cross-species support groups, and, for some reason, a GoFundMe.
Government officials have promised that “urgent action” will be taken, which, according to sources, involves forming a committee, reviewing applications for more committees, and possibly drafting a sternly worded letter to the ozone layer. In the meantime, zoos are considering handing out magnifying glasses to help visitors “find the last two bush frogs.”
The public is encouraged to help by drawing attention to the issue, not stepping on obscure insects, and refraining from eating anything with “last of its kind” on the label. If everyone does their part, maybe — just maybe — your grandchildren will be able to say, “No, really, I saw a Northern White Rhino once. Honest!”
Stay tuned for updates, or until nature officially updates its “gone fishing” sign.
By: TheJestPress.com
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