#LegalLols #CourtCaseChaos #SatireNews #JusticeJests #UnbelievableUpdates
By: TheJestPress.com
In a decision that’s got legal scholars, guidance counselors, and awkward family dinner tables talking nationwide, the High Court ruled today that an underage teenage boy, who spent quality time with a significantly older married woman, is—as he’s long protested—definitely not guilty of rape… but is now also apparently grounded until further notice.
The presiding judge, while trying to maintain a straight face and not appear to side with either the PTA or The Real Housewives, concluded, “Young men, especially those who still consider ‘pizza’ a balanced diet, cannot logically be accused of seducing adults who already have TikTok accounts for their kids.”
The case has raised crucial legal questions, such as: “At what age are you mature enough to operate heavy machinery, but too immature to say no to cookies, curfews, or Carol Ann from the Parent-Teacher Association?” The court’s answer: “Somewhere between SpongeBob and midlife crisis.”
Advocacy groups have responded with record speed, launching campaigns to clarify that young men’s greatest danger remains not rabid cougars, but the dreaded ‘talk’ from their own parents now that word’s spread to neighborhood group chats.
Meanwhile, the older woman in question, now famous on two continents and several Discord servers, has declined all interviews, but released a statement: “I was just trying to help with his English homework.” Explaining why flashcards were apparently used in a candlelit setting while her husband was golfing remains, for now, a mystery for the ages.
While the High Court moves onto such pressing matters as “Who really owns the rights to Happy Birthday?”, the boy’s father has asked that cameras “please stop filming my son; his Fortnite stats are suffering,” and that “we’re having a family weekend without WiFi to discuss boundaries, the law, and why the basement is now off-limits.”
In related news, the high school has banned bake sales—just in case.
By: TheJestPress.com
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